An open letter to the “Twit” from Colorado who responded to my Robby Tebow Stalker Alert:

Before I get to my reason for writing, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to comment in the first place. Judging from your Twitter profile page, you are extremely busy retweeting the witticisms of fake Madea (hellurrrr) and checking in everywhere you’ve ever been on foursquare (by the way, congratulations on your mayorships of Walgreens, Pizza Hut and Burger King, among others). That you could even find a moment to reach out to me says a lot about you, which brings me to purpose of this letter.

To refresh your memory, here is what you wrote:

“whoever took this pick [sic] is dumb, Christians have drinks, Christians smoke cigs. Ppl make me smh.”

First, I take umbrage at your use of the word “dumb” for several reasons.

Unlike “drinks and cigs” (says you), name calling isn’t very Christian-like, at least in the way you used it. Plus, the word you should have used is “stupid.” According to Merriam-Webster, the first definition of “stupid” is “slow of mind, lacking in intelligence,” whereas “dumb” is defined first as “lacking the power of human speech” (“lacking intelligence” is definition six).

But what do I know? I always thought the abbreviation for “picture” was “pic.”

Second, you referenced drinking and cigarette smoking as being things that Christians do, but you forgot to include using foul/obscene language. After scanning your profile page, I noticed you have a bit of a potty mouth using words like “bitch,” “shit” and “fuck”—and not just regular “fuck” but “fucktard,” a word Ann Coulter probably wouldn’t even use. (For the record, I find that word so offensive, I had trouble even typing it.) And lest we forget my favorite of all of your Tweets:

“Why do people care so much if tebow is a virgin worry about your own dick! #tebow #virgin #mindyourownbusiness”

(Truth be told, I thought the Tweet was amusing. I did notice, however, that you didn’t tag Tim in it.)

In summation, friend, my Stalker Alert Tweets are light-hearted glimpses into the lives of celebrities (or in this case, celebrity siblings) around my hometown. They are not intended to be mean-spirited or judgmental, which is more than I can say for your Tweets (see: Matthew 7:1).

Sincerely,
Rev. Specktator
Universal Life Church Monastery

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